... So You Think About A Chance...

change is constant...

2008-10-04T03:28:57Z

I've been ok. I'm just confused about what I should be doing. In life. I stepped down from my position as store manager, and I'm relieved. I feel like my life is beginning in a new path again. I know that if I had kept that store I would have become too complacent with the paycheck and not worried about the things that I'm truly passionate about. I think I am going in a direction of environmental work. I also hate that I'm working for a company that is built upon exporting jobs outside of the U.S. and then making money off of the American Consumer. It truly bothers me and I've begun thinking of boycotting all companies that do this. damn china. But yea I'm tired all of a sudden, and I'll check back on this later.

updates.

2008-09-08T01:39:20Z

Ok so the couple past weeks have been hectic, to say the least.

I have realized that my job takes over my life. I sort of hate that about it. Also, we had our labor day weekend give-a-way last weekend and that was tough. I never imagined that giving away FREE stuff could be so difficult and irritating. People either don't appreciate what you give them, ignoring you completely, or they think they somehow deserve more, and that what you give them isn't good enough. Ugh. I also find myself catering to people that don't deserve it, and that really exhausts me at the end of the day. [people are such deuches!]

Also, the whole situation at work is scalating with drama [my employees]. I can't for the life of me come to confront it in the face. I need to sit down with many people and have some serious chats. But, I keep putting it off because I hate conflict. I hate arguing and the ugly truth is that I actually need these people to train new ones. lol. I need to make some goals and to-do's and stick to them.

And business is more or less stable, but not out of the red zone. We have some good days, but most are bad. I'm worried that I'll be out of a job if I don't keep up with the more than human efforts in trying to sell a product to a slack economy and debt burdened customers. :[

On a good note, (or bad, I really don't know), we had a corporate visit last friday. It went good [we think] but I dunno. I didn't get a definite vibe. I definately got an iffy maybe type of vibe. But I do think that the guys were tired and wanted to go home. lol. The store looked beautiful though. It really did. I hope that we get the stuff that we wanted to get in.

On a personal note, this [month] [[year]] has been an emotional rollercoaster. I'm reading this spiritual self-help book called 'Sacred Contracts' by Caroline Myss. It's a book that helps you awaken your divine potential, and helps you find the life path that you're supposed to take. According to the author, your own subconscious is supposed to tell you when you're in the wrong path or the wrong occupation, or whatnot, by giving you that uneasy feeling or closing doors. Basically, it's for people that don't feel happy with their lives but also have no clue what they're supposed to be doing and how they are supposed to be contributing to God's plan for them.

It's an emotional journey, this book is. The author makes you analyze your past and current relationships with people in an analytical/psychological manner, and by doing that you sort of stir up old and stale emotions. I think this has taken its toll on my mental health lately. But on the upside, I've gotten insight already on what my path needs to be. I also have an idea of what I need to do to change my life around. All in all, I need to thank everyone who's been in my life recently because they have helped me see all that is wrong with my current standing. I'm also going back to school in january. I want to do a basic business course, but also an agricultural minor. I want to work in a garden and grow. I feel that my connection to the earth is strong and that I need to take big steps to protect it and educate people about it. This is my calling. I know this because I've been getting strong dreams about it and I have an innate desire to connect to the ground.

Vee recently called me and bitched me out too. She said that I had disconnected from our core group of friends and that everyone missed me and such. I agree that I have. And it's funny because I have distanced myself from society and I have wanted to become more spiritual, and by distancing myself from those I love most, I actually have a deeper appreciation for them. I think she is thinking in the terms that I have replaced her, but I have not. In fact, I don't have many friends and I don't want to. Friends are hard work for me because I'm actually sucky at staying in touch [especially with my kind of schedule and position]. But in the past two months I have gained more spiritual insight than I would have at home, where my mind would have been exposed to so many temptations and others' problems. I do feel like this was the right thing to do in the end and I have much catching up to do with many of my old friends. I kind of feel like they secretly hate me. But I know that the true ones will get over it. Eventually.

Okay. I'm done venting for the most part. I do have a lot of thinking to do about my intimate life. But that's like another chapter for another day. I'll be back with updates soon.

wun luv,

Ceena.

ceeceena @ 2008-08-09T21:59:00

2008-08-10T02:00:25Z

i hate the fact that i'm alienated from my family right now. Family and friends. I miss them...

gateway to my emotions...

2008-08-03T02:06:37Z

well. it's funny to be back here and in full writing motion. lol. i never thought i would ever be rereading all of the chapters of past years... but it helps to let the past go in a way and so i continue to record my feelings...
lately i've been stressed out with work. managing a store by myself is crazy. i love my boss though. he makes me want to work hard for him and i'm glad that he pushes me past my limits. besides work, living with mike has been difficult. he's everything i would want if i was still 18 and playing house. but i just feel like im on a different level than him right now. i dont want to live with someone that I don't see myself with for the long run. you get me? i mean, why waste my time?? so yea, ive got this plan to start saving and move out on my own. im just frustrated because it seems like im never going to save and do it. i dont know where most of my damned money goes. lol.

so yea i have a list of things i need to do and i feel like making it now and see how long it takes me to accomplish everything:

1. i need furniture if im moving out.
2. i need to start my recycling company.
3. i need to research alternative energies.
4. go back to school.
5. move out.

yea that about sums it up. i need some earth space.

wun.

ahh and i find myself here again. some two years later after IT happened.

2008-07-19T03:49:58Z

so yes, geezz!. i cant believe my journal is still alive and filled with all of these memoirs of that crucial time. lol. its funny how i have my life playing constantly on re-runs of 2006. The year my life changed.

It has been two years tho. Two years of wonderful self-awakening and self-discovery. I've come to terms with gaining that respect and acknowledgement that I'd always looked for and couldn't find as a teenager. And I'm 21 and the store manager of that same job that I applied for so nervously two years ago, and that now takes over my life, while giving me a satisfaction of personal achievement. I guess it's true what they say, that you can't succeed in all areas of your life. You must succeed in only one at a time. Maybe it's true, or maybe it just happens to be that I don't have other aspects of my life that I even pay any attention to. I was never a social one... And friends, well, the true ones have stayed with me through everything. And the ones that never were... well they never were.

But now I find myself absolutely bored. I'm living with a man ten years my senior. He's not really a man, he's like a boy stuck in a mans body (oh... and I must say that I've never actually LIVED with a boy/boyfriend/male species of sorts, and the amount of hip hop and sports he watches drives me absolutely insaneeeeee, and the noise level when I'm trying to do work!!... drives me crazy how old but young he is). And the dog has a name. Michael. Michael Andrew Newton. [awful name i know!] And well, he just happens to be my "rite now" solution to a makeshift get-a-way and a ten minute commute to my wonderful J-O-B. (which i love).

However, it's the [marital bliss] I would love to have with anyone but this man. I love being home and cooking dinner and just having a home life to share with someone. When it comes down to it, I am a down home kind chick. I am hermit the crab. I am a home soul...And this kind of intimacy is what I had been craving for years. Years! But I absolutely don't get what he sees in me that makes him love me so much more than I him. I don't see it!! [I just take advantage of it?? Anna Nicole girl, I feel you.] I just wish that everything we got to do together, I did with someone else. Someone I used to have. Someone that doesn't have to require so much of my attention. I just like being alone sometimes, painting or drawing. And it's just frustrating. It's like I'm stuck and can't move on. I can't describe it.

But yea, I haven't really tried to tell him. I feel that I need to secure my finances and be smart before I delve into that unknown.. Trust me, I'm not staying here much longer. But I just think he's a bit of a stalker. I mean we broke up once and he popped up in three different places I was at. But I'm not scared of him or anything. I just don't know how I should move out yet. I'm thinking of just finding a place and leaving. I have barely any furniture so it shouldn't be too hard to pack up and dip. :] .... oh and the thought makes me ever so happy! It's just the thought of breaking his poor heart. I guess he knows though. I don't hide my emotions. And you can tell by my demeanor that I am just not a happy person. (and that is principally the thought I can't figure out. I mean, why would a man care so much for me when I clearly am not fully satisfied with the romance aspect of my life. it's the one thing that baffles me. I mean, he's only going to last so long after all. Men don't like depression I find.

I guess maybe everyone is scared of loneliness though. I do fear I'll be lonely and miserable in the love department for a while. And even though it never did take me long to pick someone up... it's just the thought of intimacy that I crave really, not the physical sex. I don't care much for sex, its a primitive act of impulse and maybe I've gotten over its many shortcomings [yes, chocolate frostys and fries are better in my book]. I'm pretty sure I can do without having any for awhile... I just am bothered by being physically alone. It's always the little intimate things that I loved most, not the sex.

But anyways, I see my thoughts are all over the place. It's nice to get them down in some sort of way [organized or not], but I see that they are just whining about. I just really need to stop thinking sometimes. I wish I could turn it off but I can't. I'm just always overanalyzing the minute microisms. But yea, with my thoughts all jimbered and jambered, I leave. I leave with no resolve and no plan. But maybe a to do list. And also, with some thoughts off my chest.

One love,

always,

Ceena

its not always rainbows && butterflies.

2006-06-24T02:22:26Z

i have an ugly dilemna with myself. and of course it has to do with my long distance relationship with henry. when he was down here in florida life was peachy. now its just boring and nonspontaneous. i feel like im burned out. i really want to move out. get my own place. get started with my life. or restart my life so to speak. i dont know when he will be back. that in itself is torture. i think he's scared to come back because he doesnt have a job down here waiting for him. he's scared of having to go out and find work and i think that's part of the reason why he's sacrificing himself to new york. in that way it's weird because i feel selfish and guilty when i tell him he should come back. but obviously i shouldnt because hello, i have a life. and i dont want my life to be wasted by this time that im doing nothing because im tied to someone over a thousand miles away. and in my eyes its been enough. there's only so much i can take as a female. ugh. and i feel so trapped. trapped in this mess of a relationship. sometimes i just question how long we're going to be together. he thinks we're getting married. but i dont know if he's that person to me. dont get me wrong, i absolutely love him with every bit of me, but love is funny sometimes. i want to marry someone im 100% about. (the whole till death do us part business). and i dont know how he plays into that part of me... ugh i wish i wasnt so unsure of this. maybe its because he hasnt been down here in so long. i think he'll find im a whole different person than the little girl he left almost a year ago. i wonder how that'll go down....im sure ill find him changed too.

ceeceena @ 2006-04-03T20:07:00

2006-04-04T01:21:47Z

i'm pretty sure he's the one. i'm pretty sure he's the man i've always wanted. he's the love of my life. and i can't wait till he comes down. and yay he's coming on the fifth of may. and i really couldnt be happier. he's the one person that makes my world go round and i really can't stand the thought of having to be away from him for any longer.
but it's kind of what i have to go through. everyday. it's the hardest thing i've ever experienced.... to be away from the person that can make even the biggest problem in my life seem like it's the size of bacteria.
sometimes im just so overcome by the thought that i want to be with him at that point in time, and then i have to convince myself that what i want isn't really relevant and that i should just bottle up those feelings. it's like i'd feel guilty if i asked him to come down for me. and that's just something that i can't and won't do.
to have a long distance relationship is not something that i would recommend. it's putting yourself and the other person in a position where they have to be loyal to a voice over the telephone. there is no pleasure except the one found in talking to that person for hours and hours about nothing. it consists of always feeling lonely, of having no one to go anywhere to, to have noone to hold hands with, to have countless cold, lonely nights, and to withstand the pain that you could suffer if that person were to decide to end things from a distance. fights become about stupid things. like why you didnt call a person back or such, and they become hard to fix. i just dont know that i can tolerate having my baby so far away. and at the same time i feel like i would be so selfish if i started complaining about wanting him with me. it's only natural, is it not? i dont know. i'm so overcome with this feeling that im just going to be in a permanent depression if i don't get a hit of baby. it feels just like this nightmare is never going to end.... and four weeks is just too long to wait for him to come home.
i'm getting so tired of waiting. . . patience is not my forte.

ceeceena @ 2006-02-04T19:19:00

2006-02-05T06:44:51Z

so he dumped me, henry did. he wanted me to feel the pain he felt when i cheated on him. but he still wants us to stay the same... friends or whatever. so then, whats the point of breaking up? to prove his point. point proved indeed. i never thought that i would feel so without feeling. i'm very numb. i know i have thought about breaking up with him a lot, but i never did it because i thought that it would hurt him so bad. he would never let me either. he's very stubborn.
i know he doesn't feel right about it. i knew he wouldn't. i know that he won't find anyone like me. i don't really want anyone else right now either. it's going to be awhile before i date again.
so yea i dont know wats going to happen now. i'm not sure that anything will happen. i think things will be like this. yea. until he comes down again. so i guess i dont have to worry about flying him down for valentines? yea i do. maybe i'll do it anyways. surprise him? i know he wants to come home. i really think thats what im going to do. but maybe not for valentines. maybe some other weekend. cuz i dont work weekends and neither does he. but should i? i mean that would be like me telling him to come see me. i dunno. whatever maybe i wont. i'll see how things work out. cuz i know that he's miserable up there anyway. but he's got tons of time to be up there. i dont kno. im mad that he cant forgive me. im mad that he couldnt forget about it. im mad that he still judges me as that person. it would have been so much better if he had done it back then... but now? i dont get it. and im mad that even tho he can dump me he can still have all of me. it just makes me angry that he's not really losing much. he has me still. and he can call me up if he needs to talk. and ill be there for him. yet i guess its better if things just gradually come to a stop. i hate being lonely and he hates me for having cheated. things will work themselves out and we'll stop doing this. we'll just meet people that will suit our needs. i like to think that.

to be or not to be...

2006-01-12T00:47:52Z

thats the question, is it not? well... i don't know if i'm going to be with henry or not. i guess it's kind of scary to think that i won't have him anymore, because i love the boy. love him.
but, i realize that not everything is all happy and smiles. and it's always better to have experienced him than to not have had him at all. yet, in the back of my mind, i think i'm making a mistake. a mistake that i will probably never get to take back. i don't know. i wish there was a manual for this kind of shyt. i broke the poor guy's heart. i don't deserve to have any voice in this decision whatsoever. if anything, i can make it easier, and just walk away from him. but to walk away from this is harder than i thought.
our one year anniversary is on the 24th. i was going to fly him down the weekend after. but now.. well maybe that can wait. if i see him, i won't be able to leave him. and im not even sure that i can do that right now. but it's kind of sinking in that it's the next step. logically it's illogical. it's like a homework assignment that you know you have to do, but don't even want to start thinking about. i really don't want to leave him. but i know i have to. and we talk about it. and talk about it. and accomplish nothing.
i wish it wasn't such a big issue. i mean, he should understand. he's a man. that's what men do. they cheat. so why doesn't he? he's allowed to. and plus, i manned up. i told him what i did. i guess that's not enough. i guess when guys cheat...it's okay to forgive them. but when women cheat... they're just skanky whores. end of story. am i a skanky whore? maybe if you don't know me. i just think that i think like a man. men are not up on a pedestal for me. they are like toys almost. im amazed that i had to get stuck with the one sensitive guy in the planet! ugh. that's what i love about him though. it's ironic almost because i'm attracted to these super manly guys but im dating a boy that cries more than i do. (which is alot). hmm. i love him so much though, just because of that. i love him because i can break him. and see, that's not good. i wonder why it hurts so much to be in this relationship. i wonder why i cant up and walk away. and i wonder how im going to live without him...
wun

still no response.

2006-01-10T19:51:46Z

so uhh... henry still hasnt called me. damn. so i dont know what that means...or if it means anything at all. but yea, i won't be the one calling him either. i don't understand why he's being like this, but whatever, until he changes his attitude i really don't care about whatever is up his ass. and if he wants to break up, all he has to do is say the word and im there.
but yea. i went to that interview yesterday. i was up for an assistant manager position, but i have no retail experience whatsoever. so umm. i hope they call me back. im sick of not working. worst case scenerio i could always go bak to WOW. i know they always need ppl. anyways, i need to start makin money soon. i have 6 months ahead of me of not going to school. and i really need to get my butt in some textbooks in the meantime. cuz i have to pass chemistry this time around. thats what i plan on doing anyways... keeping up with my bio and passing chemistry. lol. i know that i have what it takes to go to med school. ive just gotten majorly sidetracked. but i think this time off is going to be great for me. i think i needed it. i know bak in tampa it would have just been me not caring and living it up. but i can't do that. and i can't have my mom pay for that. anyways, im just annoyed rite now to have so much free time. but it'll be alright.

and on the henry thing... hmm... maybe we both need a break for a while. its almost been a year. i was thinking of flying him down. but now im thinking maybe he needs to stay up there. wat good is it going to do him to come down and have to go back up? and i dont know if i want to see him at all right now. i feel bad for thinking that, but its the truth. and now that i dont know where we're at it rings even more true.

wun luv

still a mess.

2006-01-09T18:59:16Z

so i was watching desperate housewives last nite. i love that show btw. but yea, it was funny that the episode had to do with cheating and judging. the solution: the husband has to cheat in order to make them equal. yea so that seems like a logical solution to my problem, rite? or is it fighting fire with fire? i dont understand how i'm ever going to feel normal in this relationship again. for me, it wasnt a betrayal of trust. i came out. admitted my wrongs. but to him it was the most hurtful thing i could have done. in a way i wish that i hadnt told him, because what he doesnt know wont hurt him. but i cant lie to henry. i never have been able to. so now what the hell do i do? and he didnt call me back. i knew he wouldn't. it's like he's expecting an apology. but why should i apologize for something that i've already put in my past? i didnt bring it up yesterday, he did. if he still has issues with it, then he can resolve them by himself. because this is exactly what i don't want: a mess.

hmmm so now im dealing with this mess of a relationship. and i dont like to mess with messes. so i dont know what to do. in a way, i know that breaking up is going to be harder than to stay together. but is this what its going to be like if we are together? also, he's not going to be here for a long time. he doesnt even know how long he's going to stay in new york. and that's something that he has to do. but how are we going to function as a couple? this that we have been doing is just breaking his heart... and sometimes i know that im selfish for wanting him to come back. but i cant help it. i've always been a physical person. flirty and physical. i need a man with me rite now. i cant live with a man whom i cant even have good conversations with. because we're not like that. at one point i thought that he was my best friend. but no. he doesnt know me like that. its obvious that he doesnt. and because of that, i dont know how to feel towards him. i love him. but is he the one? am i going to always be with him? i dont know. to me, he's like this fragile person that you can't hurt. cuz hurting him is the ultimate wrong. but i want a man whos strong and not fragile. i want someone who's agressive in what he wants. i want someone that's not so much like me. and now im confused. because if we break up, it's basically going to be my decision. do i want to keep hurting his pride? by staying with me, he's basically doing that. but i dont think he would break up with me. if he does, it might be the best thing he could have done for himself. and i think it would end things good. cuz if i break up with him i know things would get messy. messier than they are now. and i dunno. revenge is cold. but sometimes...it just might be needed. so yea, i wish he would just cheat on me, so we could be even. maybe that would start more problems, but hey, im willing to take that risk. anythings going to be better than this.

sometimes relationships get ill.

2006-01-08T23:55:01Z

or maybe just my life. not shambles really, just disorganized. i kind of want to go back to living on my own. but at the same time i enjoy being taken care of for a while. but yea, like most things, that's going to quickly blow up in my face.

so anyways, today henry calls me at like 11 am, and i guess he was just bored. so watever, he's homesick. i try to comfort him and i tell him he's too nice. i dont know how i started thinking about it, but i meant it like he's a really nice guy, in the way he treats me and in the things he says to me. but he took it like im making him feel stupid. now i guess i see why i dont like compliments. maybe i shouldnt give them out since apparently they're going to blow up in my face. so now he's probably mad at me for letting himself take me back after i cheated on him. i dont get it! i didnt force him to stay with me. i'll take responsibility for my actions and accept the consequences. im not going to regret it. i dont live my life to regret it. ill accept it as a lesson and move on. but the thing i dont want to live with is having to be reminded of the past constantly. i get so fed up with it. i dunno why. some people would cry for forgiveness but i just get really mad when its brought up. i dont know why. im not the one with the reason to be mad. but i just do. and...i know he's not going to call me. and that he's just going to obsess over this. well too bad. im not going to comfort him at all. i dont understand how he cant understand that having a long distance relationship wasnt wat i wanted. im not the one who asked to stay together through this. im not the one who wanted to stay with him through it.

i wish there was an easier way to do this. i hate him at points. (like now) but then when im not with him, he's on my mind constantly. and theres this thought that if i lose him, ill have lost the best thing that could have happened to me. but is he? is he the best thing for me? is he the only person i could see myself with? would i really not find a replacement? i know that there are plenty of dogs out there. i know that ... and this boy, he's on a different level. but its amazing how i find myself attracted to those bad boys. those boys i know are not worth my nites. and the more i think about them, the more excited i get. until i realize that nothing could ever happen. and then it's like fruitless flirting. but i have so much fun fruitlessly.

in a way, i kind of wish that henry would cheat on me. so much. so he could see what its like to want someone and get them. maybe i would wake up from this numbness. i want to see if i would get mad or jealous. i know i probably wont... unless.. well unless its with jelly roll. then i would wile out. but other than that...i wonder what he would do. i wonder how he would sex her. i wonder how i would really react...neways...this relationship is a lot of work. and sometimes....
relationships get ill.

ceeceena @ 2005-12-19T21:57:00

2005-12-20T01:58:01Z

so im back in boca raton. it's alrite for the most part. so umm.. i was thinking. me and henry are doing this back and forth thing where we're both unsure of our commitment. well....not unsure, but questioning us being together in a way. for one, he's got his pride. and of course that only makes me feel twice as guilty to make him go against his pride. and also there's me. im just psycho and don't know wat i want yet. sometimes i think that the reason that we don't argue is because we don't have that passion in us we're supposed to. like, im very coolheaded when it comes to him. for example, if he was to sleep around i know that i would be almost relieved that he had experienced being with someone else. if he did, he would know what it felt like and maybe he wouldn't blame me so much. also, i know that this is going to be a huge part of our relationship for a long time. and i know that there's nothing thats going to make it go away so quickly.
but on a lighter note...he'll be here this saturday nite. ughh...so im looking forward to it so much but im so uggghhh... like i dont know how its going to be to hang out with him anymore. maybe then we'll see and decide what we want to do. ughhh and i dont know why i feel like this. maybe because it sucks to do a long distance thing. especially when all u have is a phone and when a phone just isnt enough it sucks.
so i guess i am a little psycho.

tampa.

2005-12-10T22:48:56Z

so ive had a blast this last weekend in tampa. i realize that im really going to miss this place. it most definately is the place for college life. i love everything about this city. going back to boca is kind of scary. i dont know that i want to live there. maybe ill move out soon and get a place on my own. maybe wen henry comes down he wants to move in with me somewhere. i think it'll be fun.
anyways, im going to miss my friends sooo much. ive had some great memories here and ive met some really cool people that i know ill keep in touch with. :[ aww but i cant believe its over. i've really felt like ive been here forever. and im really going to be sad when i leave. but i shall be bak. lol.
anyways, last nite i got wasted. and the nite before that i was drunk. both times ive drunk dialed henry. i cant believe that he hasnt broken up with me. lol. im so slutty wen i drink. i started undressing in the elevator. or so i hear. people have been filling me in on my behaviour last nite. but i dont care. in my head, i was having fun. even if there was no music and i was dancing.
so yea. i feel bad for henry. having to put up with my loose behavior. hmm.. i think he loves me too much. and i love him too. but i donno. i do stupid shit all the time. i need to stop drinking is wat i need to do. anddd now im going to see wat the sluts are up to. annnnd we'll prolly drink later on tonite. lol. ugh. college.

ceeceena @ 2005-11-30T01:32:00

2005-11-30T05:57:12Z

so me and henry. yea well, i dont know what he wants from me half the time anyways. i try and reason that everything will be okay. but often, i find myself wondering why i try so much all the time. just to please him? or if i actually really do want the relationship... i guess mostly i miss him. but i could say that about anybody else too. he is not even like my best friend. i think this is because he does not open up to me like i open up to him, or try to anyway.. for me, it's not enough to simply say 'baby i love you. you are the love of my life. blablabla'. if you dont disclose personal things about yourself, then i cant be comfortable saying that i want to spend the rest of my life with you like he wants me to say, or that i am so in love with him and that i want a certain thing long term. i think it's the little things that matter. the things that truly make a person who they are, however embarrasing, or stupid, that's what makes intimacy a good thing. and sex...well, it's a contributing factor to intimacy, yet it's not the only thing that makes it up. im not saying that our intimacy doesnt involve other things, but mostly, i think we center it around sex without really meaning to. although, i feel guilty for that. because i have let this go on for too long without having had really voiced my concern. and im not saying we cant have sex like we do, im just saying that we need to include other levels to our relationship. i know he doesnt love me because i screw him. i know that. but still...intimacy would be nice on other levels.

also, i know that im not always the most talkative person all the time. and most definately he isnt either. or rather, he's talking, but the same words are coming out. the i love you. i miss you. i want you here. blaaa. and he knows that i feel this way. and truthfully i cant tell him what i want from him or what i want him to say. i know that if i get him on the rite subject he can talk a lot. and i try to get that out of him. i know that if asked about the rite things, yea, ill go off too. but somehow, our priorities dont seem to match. i have this undying love for everything that is beneficial to humankind. and he...well i dont know what his passion is in life. he has never really discussed it with me. i dont know wat lies in his brain intellectually. and it's the strangest thing to have these wonderful, intellectual, cultured conversations with people that i can truly say to have loved at one point and then to have conversations with henry. it is mind baffling.

and he doesnt understand my depression. I HATE THAT. im supposed to love this man and be able to confide in him. but for some reason, im hesitant to share my feelings with him, because i dont think he will understand. he already doesnt understand. in a way, i think he thinks it's about him. no... its not about him. yea he might be a factor in it, but only because he BAFFLES me. it's an inner turmoil. and it's been with me for a long time. its not recent. i have always thought this way...as long as i can remember.

and now. i dont know what i want to do. i think i need to talk to him about it, but i dont know how to go about doing so. i dont want to call him. i dont want to be the one to start this conversation, because i dont know how he's going to react. before, he didnt take it too good when i told him. and plus, i have a tendency to sugar coat everything wen it comes to him. why? because i dont want to get him riled. why should i? i know what it does to him. yet, i wish i could tell him how im feeling without it sounding like i want to break up with him. and i dont know why he's so scared of loosing me that he can be upfront with me. he needs to tell me what i need to hear just like i need to tell him how im feeling. and i cant bottle this shyt up anymore. im not going to live like this.

ceeceena @ 2005-11-25T01:04:00

2005-11-25T05:26:52Z

It's thanksgiving. im down in boca. it's so boring here. i hate it. nothing to do. I think i'm getting sick too, which is great. lol.
anyways, im in this horrible mood. its really bad. i have this overwhelmingly bad feeling about something and i can't quite put my finger on it. i just know something is going to happen. i can feel it. i can't figure out what to do about it either. im just stuck in this feeling i guess. i can't describe it. i wish i could just shake off whatever is making me feel this way. but i cant...
also, its weird to be back in boca without henry. so weird. i think i miss him more now because i am where i saw him everyday for almost a year. i just miss having him around. i miss his presence. i don't know how much longer i can take being apart from him. every day it seems like the summer is farther apart. it seems like i'm moving farther and farther from where i want to be. and im moving more towards this depression that has taken over every aspect of my life. i think its because i have no control over anything anymore. and because i don't know what i'm going to do. i feel almost like i lack guidance and structure. and i dont know if i want to stay in this school anymore. it's so much pressure. living by yourself is hard too. i think it's just a shock for me. im not independent. im too dependent. lately ive felt like i grew up too fast. now i wish i had enjoyed my childhood. it literally feels like i've been 18 for four years now. and im so young, but still, i don't feel like i can have as much fun as i could have if i had no responsibilities. and i think the problem lies in the fact that i have too many expectations to live up to.
i wish i could just narrow down what my goals are, and stick to them without getting sidetracked. and i wish i could be happy already.

ceeceena @ 2005-11-01T20:12:00

2005-11-02T01:15:49Z

Todays been fucking shitty. henry left. and im so sad. i think im in shock. i have never wanted to be with someone so bad before to the point where i would do anything for it. im so in love with him. i really had a great time this weekend. now im left with only x-mas to look forward to.
and i hate it when people have a problem with me and dont confront me about it. i hate fake people. i love college. but i dont like my name in so many peoples mouths. thats how shyt gets started. and i fucking hate drama.

speakin my mind.

2005-10-22T21:05:13Z

i wish this hurricane weather would finally go away. i hate the rain. it's not even cold rain. its that nasty humid thing that happens in florida. i want it to be cold again. the rain puts me in this mood. . . i cant describe it.

anyways, im so lonely. i cant stress that more than now wen this place is so devoid of people. i had a good day yesterday, despite the lack of people in this bitch. seems like everyone went home because of the hurricane. ugh. i went to the parade. it was empty as fuck. but i got a lot of beads and other stuff they were throwing out. then i went to eat real food. went to chilis with bobby and dom. then i came back here and matty invited me to a bar he was going to with the cheerleaders. they're fun. they know how to have a good time. i got in with a 21 bracelet so i was happy. and i just sat by the keg and drank pitchers of beer. i danced my little ass off. it's funny to see white people drunk and dancing. it made my nite to laugh at all of them in their face. they knew it. lol. they looked like idiots. especially wen the dj put on those throwback hip hop songs. lol. it was a good nite. after wards we went looting around campus.
anyways, i havent felt like doin much. im doing my laundry. (finally!) lol. last nite i was so cranky. i gotta apologize to henry. shouldnt have called him. beer does that to me. it gets me cranky after i stop drinking it. happened to me after tailgaiting on one of the last games i went to. beer is good tho. does me good. i think im finally starting to realize that i have to get on the grind. do my school shyt. im not going to get anywere if i dont get to it. i gotta start getting my ass in that state of my mind. newaiz, its hard to go somewhere and not hook up around here. im starting to get used to that too. college is what u make of it, and im trying to focus on the more important shyt in my life rite now. like henry. but man it takes self control. esp wen im drunk. im doing it tho.
newaiz, just wanting to put my thoughts down. makes me feel better.

wun luv,
ceena

ceeceena @ 2005-10-17T14:06:00

2005-10-17T18:31:01Z

he called me last nite. he called me and i was so surprised. he actually texted me. amanda told me not to answer, that if i did we'd be texting all nite and that if i didnt eventually he would call me. so i didnt. and he did. he called.

i couldnt believe it. all my emotions just mixed together and for that moment i was the happiest person in the world.

now we're back. and omg i couldnt describe how happy i am. even though i doubted myself for a long time. i doubted whether or not i could do this again. but i kno that i cant live without him. ill do it. last nite i was so numb. i just wanted to tell him how happy i was to have him talk to me. but i didnt. the words just wouldnt form in my mouth. if i had, i would have broken down again. i felt it coming.

im just so thankful that he called me. that he didnt play this game all the way up to next week, or next month, or whenever. im so happy that he didnt turn his back to me. i dont think i could have functioned.

and now, i have him to look forward to. again. its kind of surreal. im so in love with him. and i cant wait till i see him. and have him. and touch him.
i just cant wait. im like a little kid all excited.

ceeceena @ 2005-10-16T23:03:00

2005-10-17T02:34:13Z

Well today was hard. it was hard to keep my mind off him. it was hard to function. get out bed.. do my homework.. study for all the exams i have next week.. i never thought it would be this hard to just not talk to a person. i never thought he would be on my mind all the time. i almost want to call him and tell him how much i need him. but i cant. im stubborn. and although im the one who caused this mess. . . i cant bring myself to call him one more time. what for? to be ignored and then have to cry myself to sleep again. so now im just here. keeping myself busy. i wonder if he got my message. i wonder how he feels. i wonder if i'll ever talk to him again. i wonder if he hates me. i just want to talk to him. tell him about how much i do love him and just ask him to forgive me. but yea... hes the most stubborn person i have ever met, like hes ever going to take me back.... i wish he would have picked up his phone though. its worse to be totally cold to someone. i wish he would have screamed in my face, i dunno yelled at me, cursed me out, anything. but this...its horrible.

ugh. and to think that im going down that weekend. ugh i wish i could think of someone else. i wish there was someone else. i wish i never told him. i wish i never told him of something that means nothing to me. of a time when i didnt care. i could have stopped but i didnt. having someone touch you feels nice. i always imagine its him tho. i always do. and nothing compares to how well he knows me. and i love that.

and to start over with someone else is a thought i can't fathom. i cant. im never going to be the same. i wonder if ill ever get over this. it was my fault. but somehow, i have this feeling that there's nothing i can do now.

i talked to jess today. for a long time. she's the only person that's always there for me in the worst of times. i miss her. she told me to forget about him. she told me it would never go anywhere. she told me he's not good enough. she told me to leave him alone. that having a boyfriend in college would never work out anyways. i donno wat to think anymore. i know when i came here, i would have never considered being with anyone. i wonder why i promised him something i couldnt keep. it was stupid. i should have told him i couldnt. i should have told him it was casual to me. i should have said something. but like always, i'm too scared of change.

so i found myself lonely, and looking to get away from my depression with some alcohol. with someone who i was sexually attracted to. and that's how it always goes for me. im way too easy. im such a pleaser. but now i just dont care about anything.

jess told me when she broke up with manosh that she didnt go to two exams, and that she was consumed in it completely. and now, she barely stays without doing anything, or she breaks down. today i watched football, did my paper, took a long nap, talked to her, went to eat, watched pretty woman.... things to keep myself busy and out of my head. rios asked me to go drink. but alcohol is only going to amplify my emotions. i might have a breakdown in public. i dont want to go through that again.

so now im just going to chill. it sucks to be depressed and lonely. and on top of that completely miserable. and i hate the assholes around here. i just want to go home. and i keep having this urge to call him. like he would even talk to me...

ceeceena @ 2005-10-15T20:05:00

2005-10-16T00:17:44Z

i think me and henry are broken up.

yesterday i got shytfaced drunk. i was wasted. went to some parties, smoked some snow in a cig. it was a different drunkeness. it was sobering. but not really. i ran into a kid from my comp I class. it's funny that i talked about him before leaving. and that he was there. and that i left with him. i thought it was such a strange coincidence. and yet... i don't believe in coincidences. and well, i'd rather not talk about it. i fucked up a promise i made.

and now i regret doing it. it was pointless. and now i have nothing to look forward to anymore. i dont know how bad the damage is. i wish i could repair it, somehow, someway. and it's funny. i've always said that whatever i did, there were no regrets. and truly, i regret it. i would take it back rite now. i would do anything.

reality sucks though. i am seriously going to go crazy. there's nothing right now that is going to save me.
and i wish i could repair his heartbreak. i wish i could fix it.

it's surreal that it finally came to an end. i don't know how i'm going to move on from this. i can't even tell you where i'm going to start.

and the worst part. . . it's totally my fault.

ceeceena @ 2005-10-14T20:20:00

2005-10-14T23:31:51Z

i'm in this horrible depression that i can't shake off. it sucks so bad. i hate when i get like this. it's so hard to make myself not think about it all the time. i have to keep my mind entertained at all times. lately, i started playing stupid video games. they don't help really. it only reminds me of how much time i'm wasting and all the things that i'm going to have to do later.
anyways. i don't know why i haven't felt like going out lately. I can't tell you really, I think I'm just getting worse. Before I thought about going out and partying all the time. Now I just don't care at all. I don't want to get drunk. I don't want to see anyone. I barely feel like leaving my room. I can't explain it. I think I'm burning out.

And Henry is coming in two weeks from today. I hope that this feeling goes away when he comes. I hope I'm not like this. I don't want him to see me in the middle of a breakdown. I just want to be able to have fun and be free and not have to worry about anything. I think that's the only thing i have to look forward to right now. I wonder how I'd be if i didn't have that to motivate me. . .

Anyways, i'm really sick of everyone and everything.
this would be a bad time to piss me off. really bad.

ceeceena @ 2005-10-09T17:01:00

2005-10-09T20:29:20Z

it's been hard being here the last few days. my depression has slowly made it's mark, and last nite it hit me unexplectedly. I thought i was okay. but i'm not. I miss so many things that i can't replace. I have a lot of new friends, but none that can replace the old. i have met many boys, but none that can compare to henry. i have fun. but my fun is quickly ruined by the reputation that i have acquired here.
two nights ago someone (not the most reliable source) told me that amanda was talking shyt about me. yea shes my roommate, but there are so many things that i cant stand about her. how shes an only child. how shes so fake and two faced and how when she has an issue she doesnt confront me about it. i hate that. i dont like when a person is nice to my face then i hear that they are trying to spread my business around. i hated that ryan knew things that he shouldnt have. of course i can't tell you if he overheard it or if he was actually told, either way, why talk about my personal life to people?
the one thing i cant understand is why other people are making my life here totally miserable. i'm probably the easiest person to get along with. i recognize that i have made mistakes, but i also havent done a lot of the shyt thats being said about me. and the sex that i have had hasnt been great. i hate how guys try to blow shyt up in their favor. half the time they couldnt get it up anyways.
i dunno. i miss true friends. they are so hard to find. and i miss decent boys. those are even harder. i dont know how im going to survive the rest of this year. if shyt continues at this rate, i might go home sooner than expected. maybe by the end of this semester.
the one constant rite now is henry. he keeps me going. i wonder where i would be if it wasnt for him. and i cant wait to see him on the 28th. im going to be so happy. even if im not. ill fake it. he deserves all of me. and i never give him that. but this time he'll get it. just all of me. because i have found that he's the one person that i love unconditionally. i love everything about him. and he deserves everything for having put up with all my bullshit. i feel so bad that i have treated him the way that i have. it's just me being lonely. looking for something that im never going to find with someone else. i just cant wait till i get to touch him, and kiss him, and just be with him. its going to be the most happy i know im going to be here in a long time.
anyways, i have two papers to write. and i hate writing papers. thats the sucky thing about college. its such a waste of time.
wun luv
ceena.

ceeceena @ 2005-10-04T15:18:00

2005-10-04T18:51:07Z

it's just another day. i like tuesdays. i think its my favorite day out of the week. i like my UE class, my comp I class, my cardio hip hop class, and my trig class. its a perfect day. anyways, i havent done much today. i feel like i have to get my shit together. and fuckin take some time to study. i think tonite i'll start on all my chem crap and review my trig stuff. schools been on my mind lately. it pissed me off sunday nite how we were at matt and jon's apartment and nobody fucking cared that i needed to get home. it fuckin pissed me the fuck off. i love the fact that theyre cool guys and everything, but they came at a bad time. i cant afford to miss any more school and not turn in fucking assignments. like im way behind in points in chemistry and if i dont have a good gpa this semester, i might lose my scholarship. which isnt much anyways, but everything counts.
lately, i've been thinking about moving down to FAU next year. i dunno how smart/logical of an idea that is. i would seriously hate it there. i hate the people. there's nothing to do like there is here. and living at home...not my idea of fun. so i dunno. its going to be just like going to high school. it wont really be like a college experience. and i loooove it here. but im having way too much fun. and at the rate im going it looks like im going to be back there soon. i dunno. we'll see. i dont want to go there at all. but we'll see.
also, it feels so weird to have ur roommate hook up with ur one night stand. it really does. i keep thinking that all they do is talk. and then his roommate wanted to hook up with me...hmm feels weird. feels like too much shyt talk, if ya feel me. im not sayin nething bad about them. theyre really nice guys, but i dunno. normally i can read ppl like books, and something tells me that these two have somethin else on their minds. lesson learned on guys here anyways. i aint gunnen be a fuckin slut like wat they mite take me as. i think homeboy already realized that wen i crashed in his room. it just sucks knowin that these kids talk so much. i have more than nice shyt to say about them. "erection dysfunction. tiny penis (rely small!). virgin. bad, terrible, slobbery kisser. bad dancer. guy with no rythm at all. one minute man =]." lol. hahaha. in order. kinda.
neways. i dont regret any of it. its helped me not trust people too much. its helped me realize how much i love henry. and how much i miss him. and just how great he is. btw hes comin soon. im so incredibly excited. i don't know how i'm going to see him without going crazy. he keeps me fucking grounded and sane. and happy. and i love being with him. it's like time flies, but stands still at the same time. its just sad that i see him, and im going to be fuckin ecstatic, and then its going to be like, but no, u have to go. its gonna be the saddest thing to have to watch him go. but rite now im just thinking about seeing him nd being with him. i love that boy so much.
k well class calls.
wun luv,
ceena

im still stuck

2005-09-27T21:32:32Z

i've been in this crazy down of an emotion lately. yesterday was one of the best days out of this week. i had no worries. went to class. did all my hw. watched collateral. went running. played manhunt. had fun really. last night didnt really go so well tho. i keep sayin im not depressed cuz of henry but i think i am. i think that is what has been puttin me in this rut. im really tryin not to go and break up with him. because i know if i do that there's little chance that i will want to talk to him again (the rules), and i know that i can't do that to him (or me, cuz i still love him). but its not even that. yesterday he just went on and on and i felt like he was stabbing me with every single one of his words. they cut rite into me. cuz he thinks that every guy here is a prick. and im not even rely feeling any guys. and i guess thats tru to some extent, they r assholes. but it just hurt anyways. just to hear him say it hurt. i remember thinkin that he was doin it on purpose. i know he was. he wanted to make me feel like that. whatever. i was finally starting to get over that whole deal. but nope, its back. i dunno. am i wrong for thinking that if he was in my shoes, he wouldn't want me clinging on to him like some possesive girlfriend???? am i wrong for wanting the freedom to do whatever i do here???? or am i just wrong for keeping him along for the ride???? i dunno. i dont want to worry about the what ifs. i dont want to have to explain my self to anyone. i dont even want a relationship. this isnt wat this whole thing is about. shyt, i dont even know what i want really. i guess just the freedom to not have to worry about what henry thinks of me. cuz im already worrying about what everyone else is thinking of me. and in a way it just pisses me off that everyone wants to do me wrong. i dunno. i see his point. unfortunately. i can't just keep doing what ive been up to or im going to burn out. the main thing is that he's not here. and i'm not going to stay cooped up inside all the time. and it would be cool if i had girlfriends but i dont. the other nite i almost had sex with bryan. we were def way too close. and i thought of henry and ever since i've been locking my door at nite. but u see what i mean. im lonely without him here. but at the same time i dont want to miss out on anything. or anyone. im stuck between a rock and a hard place. and i seriously don't remember the question he asked me last nite to answer and call him back with. so i guess im done
wun luv
ceena